Last
Saturday at the Royal Medieval Faire, we reconnected with the friend we made
there last year. At one point throughout our many conversations (he spent much
of the day at our tent) he mentioned that, having read
last year’s blog in which he featured, he had been impressed with how I had actually
listened to what he’d said.
He went on
to explain how he finds that people are frequently misunderstanding,
misrepresenting, and misquoting things he’s said (that’s a lot of missing).
Yet, he felt that my recollection of what he’d said, and the meaning of it, to
be quite accurate.
Now, there’s
every possibility that I could have brushed this off as a unique occurrence,
except that this wasn’t the first time I’d had something like this said to me.
Within the last few months, Colleen has expressed something very similar to me.
She has informed me that she has gotten frustrated conversing with other people
because of how often she needs to explain herself several times before she is
understood. She feels like people don’t actually listen.
Having
heard this, I could recall experiencing the same thing on occasion, and it
brought to mind a quote I’d come across some time ago. “Most people do not
listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
(Stephen R. Covey, I believe) It is a most insightful quote and, I fear, very
accurate.
Why is
this, though? Why do people put more of an emphasis on replying to what is said
than they do on understanding what is said? I suspect that a big part is that
there is an assumption that they have
understood. When we hear something said, we immediately form an impression of
the speaker’s meaning, and we assume that first impression is correct. And, if
we are assuming we are correct, why would we bother putting in the extra
thought process to examine what we heard for additional meanings? It is much
easier to simply stick with the assumption.
To that we
must add that nasty piece of human existence called ‘social expectation’.
Silence is often considered awkward, and as such it must be avoided. Therefore,
while conversing, it is important to avoid silences by filling them. This means
replying as fast as possible, thus relying upon that initial assumption. On top
of that, it is assumed in our society that people who think faster are more
intelligent, meaning that people who respond faster must be more intelligent.
If you have
any doubts about our social expectations, just imagine a public speaker. When
they present what they have prepared, they come across well, but what happens
when they are asked questions they aren’t prepared for? They respond right away
– and sometimes they answer the question incorrectly and get called out on it
later, but all that matters in that moment is that they have an answer. How
would your opinion of that public speaker change if, when put on the spot, they
fell silent? Or pulled out their phone for a quick Google search to make sure
their facts were correct?
So, the
speed at which we reply is of utmost importance to us. However, there is one
other key factor in people not listening properly: the imprecision of language.
Language is a way of expressing thought, but thoughts are often too complicated
to be encompassed by language. Speaking (or writing) is like trying to draw a
three-dimensional scene on a two-dimensional piece of paper. You can give an
impression of what you’re trying to draw, but it does not actually re-create
what it is you’re seeing. Likewise, two-dimensional words can only hint at the
extra dimensions contained within the thought process behind them. Even worse,
everyone has their own personal interpretation of the meaning of words – slight
differences in interpreted meaning can completely alter understanding what
someone is trying to communicate.
So, my
trick to actually listening? Stop to consider what was said before replying. Allow
those silences to exist while you replay the sentences in your head. But don’t
just try to understand the words, try to understand the intent behind them. The
better you know a person, the easier it is to understand how they think – use that
decipher the true meaning of what they said.
Accurate
communication is incredibly important. Misunderstanding is what leads to a majority
of conflicts – pausing to make sure you understand correctly is worth it in the
long run.
Plus, it
feels awesome when people come along and tell you how great you are at
listening.
Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.
Also, make sure you check out
my wife's blog and her
website.
If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.
